by Latrevia Chatman

Created on: August 11, 2010

The most gut wrenching feeling is seeing the pain of a child missing a parent.  At the tender ages of two and five, both of my children have had to experience the absence of each parent.  In the midst of an awful divorce, I was forced away from my home and children.  The only way that I could see them was at their daycare center, which involved an emotional, unbearable hour for each.  Prior to my ordeal, I was the stay at home mom that lived solely for my kids.

From our phone conversations, and video messages, I heard the constant crying, emotional distress, and the other parent at his wits end.  I remember how it felt to not be able to do anything, but say goodnight between held tears, and cry a mantra of “They’re going to be alright.”, after I hung up.  After some time, they were alright, but I was repeatedly told of days where the oldest acted out in her before and after care youth center.  As an advantage to his part, he was able to fill in the gap of my absence by becoming closer with his family, and would frequently have them over.  Also, he would befriend other families for barbeques, beach days, and playmates.  In time, they became content, happy.

Here we are now, a year and a half later, and I finally have custody back.  So far, it has only been a week, and I dread their tiredness.  At that time, it becomes a crying battle of who misses whom the most.  I have no envy, but understanding that what they feel is real, and it is quite evident once their guards are completely shutdown.  Intelligently, their dad created a photo album for each child, so they can carry it around, and reminisce of the time they once had. 

In their emotional states, I ask them to verbally distinguish what they miss about their dad, and reassure them that he loves them just as much as they love him.  During my time off, I have showed them around the area of their new home, and took them to my workplace, so they can see and know where I work.  Still, I continue to integrate them into a new life.  Often times, my daughter makes comments where she wishes that her dad and I were still together.  My responses havebeen to focus on the positive aspects, and allow her to understand that we tried. 

Incandescently, I have found out that habits are hard to break.  Though we battle, I reassure my children that it will be hard to adjust to another parent’s environment, but it does not have to be painful.  To get the most out of life that you are sharing with someone, whether they are young or old, is to actively participate.  During my time of custody, I plan to make it the best time of our lives together and create awesome memories.  Being that their dad is still part of their lives, I plan to include him into our adventures through photo, and video.  My methods may not apply to all, but by involving your family or close friends, do help in filling in someone’s absence.  If we mask the obvious, it will create an unjust future for an innocent child.

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