by Matt Bird

Created on: August 10, 2010

TV is, for many, a deity. It is the almighty glowing god from which so much knowledge springs. And, for just as many, it is also the sole source of knowledge: it is a font of intelligence, providing so much information about the world that it's amazing television collectively has not been given some kind of award.

I have learned much from TV. So much, indeed, that it's difficult to sum up every little lesson. That said there are a few massive issues which will forever apply to my life that I discovered, both suddenly and gradually, while glued to the so-called 'idiot box'. Idiot indeed!

- First, love comes abruptly and fades just as quickly. You'll be deeply infatuated with one person one day and then start calling them a callow brigand (or perhaps something more up-to-date) the next. You'll also have dozens upon dozens of partners over the course of your life, many of them unlikely, and you'll swear to most that you'll be with them forever.

- Arch-enemies are an inevitability. It doesn't matter what you do with your life, you will rub someone the wrong way and turn them into an arch-enemy.

- The bad guys are obvious. They steal, murder, cheat, lie, kick babies, that sort of thing. They also cackle a lot.

- Every event in your life comes with a moral lesson attached. There are no events without meaning.

- If people in the background laugh at your jokes, you're either mundane funny, sexually funny or not funny at all.

- Everything you say is a one-liner and perfectly phrased. You never stumble on your words - or at least you don't unless you have some sort of mental problem.

- Sex is passionate and perfect. No one sweats, nor is there any awkward fumbling.

- Dogs are unfailingly loyal and forever obedient to their masters - that is, so long as they don't know better in certain situations.

- Teens are rebellious. At all times and in all ways.

- Revelations come suddenly, and with little need for reflection. Ideas will leap into your head with seemingly little effort.

- Everything is exciting. EVERYTHING.

- Big corporations are either your saintly friend or the devil. There is no in-between.

- Everyone is beautiful, unless they're ugly. Either way they're important to your life. If they're neither they probably occupy some middle space of lesser importance.

- If you are over 180 pounds, you are the fattest thing on the planet, and automatically subject to ridicule - that is, unless that weight is composed of muscle. On the plus side you are probably jolly, and the life of the party, so nobody judges you (but they won't sleep with you either).

- You are white.

- Or, if you're black, you're a stereotype.

- Or, if you're Asian, you're a ninja.

I've learned so much!

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