by Sandra Cole

Created on: August 07, 2010   Last Updated: January 02, 2011

One of the major tasks of the teenage years is to cross the frightening chasm dividing childhood dependency from independent young adulthood.  It is a difficult and emotional task.  In the early teenage years you can even see the day-to-day struggle as they seesaw back and forth from independent individual to  cuddly child.  As they mature, they form alliances with other teenagers and begin to develop support systems outside the family.  Together they struggle to cross that chasm, holding hands to help each other along the dangerous paths.

If things have gone well, parental influence will continue with them on their quest to become independent.   The teenager carries with him internalized and adopted moral codes learned through years of family interactions.  He also may choose friends whose similar ethical codes encourage the making of decisions that mirror those the parent would, but cannot presently, advocate for.

But, as for asking for advice and taking it- parents have to pull back from such daydreams.  It is not in their teenager’s best interests to continue to be pliable children.  They need not only to assert their independence, but to test their abilities to make their own decisions, and learn from the consequences- good or bad.  It is hard for parents to sit back and let their child grow temporarily away from them at this difficult period in their lives.   But if a parent thinks back, I’m sure many examples of things they did and got away with- without their parents’ knowledge- will come rushing back.   Their long ago teenage antics may even be some of their most cherished memories- and things they lived to successfully hide from their family.  Your children may very well follow in your same small risk-taking footsteps.

It is especially problematic if parents attempt to give guidance in front of their child’s peers.  That may be perceived as backing the child up against a wall and they may even do something they’d prefer not to, just to appear independent for their friends.  Advice given in private and in a conversational way may influence the teen more.  When a teen discusses possible outcomes of various decisions with his parents, it can also help a teen to feel like they own the solution that they ultimately choose.  Teenage empowerment within the family setting can set a tone for positive problem solving  that will be useful throughout life.

So if your teenager doesn’t seem to take your advice, avoid the “told you so’s” and quietly discuss how to solve problems arising from bad decisions.  And when they make good independent decisions, congratulate them, then sit back and enjoy the glow of contentment and the satisfaction of having raised a good, sensible kid!  By the time they are parents themselves, they may once again request and welcome your advice!

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