by Matt Bird

Created on: August 06, 2010

Typically when answering an undesired marriage proposal, you want to treat the moment with tact, sympathy and understanding. You want the person to know that you're not interested yet, and that you may never be - though that, of course, depends on the individual. Sometimes the problem is time; a lack of readiness; a lack of finances; or, indeed, a simple lack of affection.

If it's the latter case, if you really don't like the person, then perhaps you don't want to be tactful. Perhaps you'd rather embarrass them a little. Perhaps, indeed, you'd like to completely scare them off, or just plain weird them out. These completely inappropriate suggestions should aid you in this most woeful of ventures.

- The simplest way to refuse the marriage is to say 'No.' And that's it. Nothing more. Offer no explanations and say nothing other than the occasional 'No' whenever the question asked merits this response. You will thoroughly aggravate the other person and cause them to storm out. Offer no suggestions to your emotional state, either: you need to be blank-eyed, rather like a soulless automaton. If you wish to laugh, reserve this until after they've dashed out, their hopes crushed.

- Tell them that you will only marry them if they manage to retrieve an ancient diamond from deep within the bowels of the earth. In a distant country. One plagued by civil war. If the person manages to procure said mythical diamond, well, you'd best just marry them.

- Switch to a different language. Real or not, it doesn't matter. Persist in this language for the duration of the conversation, acting as though everything you say should make perfect sense. Get as frustrated as the other person, as though THEY'RE the one with the communication problem, not yourself. A breakup over your behavior should be imminent.

- Start twitching and foaming at the mouth, then leap at the person as though you're a zombie. Try desperately to gnaw on their flesh. They will run. Shamble after them a bit, then sit down and enjoy some wine over a job well done.

- Pretend you don't know them. Develop a sudden case of amnesia, shriek at their presence in your house (it's even better if you're in THEIR house) and demand that they leave. Confusion will reign supreme, and you may get a new house for yourself in the bargain.

- Break into interpretive dance and act as though it's your only form of communication. Bizarre.

- Start acting really creepy. Get all wide-eyed and obsessive about the person. Claw at them, and act as though you will now possess them for all eternity. Not in a I love you so much sort of way, but a your soul is mine sort of way. Draw inspiration from Gollum of Lord of the Rings if necessary.

- And, last, run. Just run. Start screaming like a madman (madwoman?) and dash out of the room, making a beeline for the nearest window, door or exit in general. Once out, get in your car and move as far from the person as possible. Take planes, trains, buses, taxis, whatever's necessary to move to the point furthest from the proposer. Again, if they find you at this point, it's probably true love - or the encounter could make for quite an epic battle atop some snow-covered peak.

The possibilities for ruining your future with this person are endless, so experiment. Get in several relationships and turn several people down to see just how malicious you can be. Have fun!

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