by Szilvia Adler

Created on: July 24, 2010

The morning was poignant, sluggish, sore and unpromising. There was nothing I could force down my throat. Nothing stayed in my stomach just a coffee. The bright sunlight early in the morning, the bitter aroma of the drink, my father’s shambling was zilch; meaningless. There was no sense.

Where was the self-check automatic machine, which could tell what was missing, what needed to be changed and replaced? Where was self-consciousness? Where was reasoning? Did I still own them? I was no longer sure. I was a monster.

If I could change anything I wanted, I would have emotions packed in “jellybeans,” color-coded, not for taste but for individual feelings. I would assign strawberry colored jellybeans to love, mango to happiness, blue for amazement, and purple for pain and so on. I could, or even should, forget that eggplant purple for bitter melancholy. It should not exist at all.

These would not be sleeping pills or painkillers. These would not even be drugs. Simply, they would be the alteration of personal awareness and awakening. They would not have side-effects, at least not pharmaceutically tested ones. Whatever happens next would not be inscribed on the label or on the attached specifications. It would all come naturally.

Wouldn’t that give even more space? Wouldn’t that give more freedom to love, to lust, to enjoyment? Wouldn’t that tackle the boundaries of man-made laws?

In my wrecked little head the tiny voice kept working. I could not turn it off. It bugged me with questions I didn’t dare to answer.

What if that box, which contains my present life, would expand to limits I have never dreamed of? What if I could not only get it, but hold onto it? I asked myself. But the burden would be too hard. What would I choose, the life I had, which made sense, but wasn’t appealing, or the one, which promises – only promises – it will be better.

I would have to give up the old to preserve the new. I would eventually bring in old concepts to new ideas and relationships, so what is holding me back from doing it? I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain. The calculations could never perfectly match of what might happen. Should I not go on with the fresh start?

Then I might not need those jellybeans after all, simply common sense, and a direction I want to head toward.

I have to believe. I have to have hope. I have to trust myself and it will work out. I know that He helps and guides me. I shouldn't worry anymore. He wil give me strength to make it through as he has always done.

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