by Lesley Bogash

Created on: July 23, 2010

Best intentions can often go haywire when you are trying to be there to help someone handle their grief.  Often time’s people think they have to say something to a grieving person to help them.  This lesson is hard to learn, but just being there is better than saying or doing the wrong thing and making the situation worse.

There are some sayings that you really should not say to help someone who is grieving.  They are often said but do not comfort the person who is grieving and can leave the person feeling worse than they did before you said it.

I know how you feel: 

Even if you have dealt with the death of a loved one, it may not have been the same type of relationship, and you cannot ever know what this person is going through and it really is especially insulting if you say this and you have never been through any kind of loss before. 

Time heals all wounds: 

This statement is often said to make a person feel better, but it never helps the person and time does not heal all wounds, it may dissipate the wounds, but some wounds never heal no matter how much time has passed.

At least they are not suffering anymore:

The person who is grieving realizes that their loved one is no longer in pain.  Selfish as they may feel, at least when their loved one was alive they could still see them everyday, even if it was at a hospital, they could still see them.  Death is so permanent and not being able to see their loved one is a more powerful feeling than still being able to see their loved one even in pain.

You are so strong; I would be a mess if I was you:

Saying this to someone who is grieving is hurtful.  They will take it one of two ways, either you think they did not care about their loved one, because they are not a mess or they are a mess and you are trying to make them feel better.  A lot of times right after someone passes away, there are a lot of people around, so it is easier for the grieving person to smile and act like they are okay.  The real grief comes later when they are alone.

Some things to avoid doing in trying to help someone who is grieving:

Do not come over their house on your way out as if it is something to check off your to do list.  Come and spend quality time with them, and no matter what else you have going on show your friend that you are there for them above everything else.

Let the person talk about the deceased person as much as they want.  Do not try to change the subject.  Also, do not feel that if you bring the deceased up you are upsetting the person more, they are already upset and hearing about the deceased will not make it worse.  Share memories of their loved one that they might not have known about.  It is okay to laugh even when you are grieving.

My last piece of advice is to be there not just a month or two months after the loss.  The first year of grief is typically the worse, grief may fade but it never truly goes away.  So on special Anniversaries and Birthdays; make an effort to acknowledge the loss and how your friend might be feeling on these special days.

Learn more about this author, Lesley Bogash.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.