by Brett Boston

Created on: July 22, 2010

In this world of nutritional nuts and health harebrains, we’re supposed to believe that eating Chinese food and pizza are the biggest threats to our lives. If that’s the case, Al-Qaeda should just start opening up Pizza Huts and P.F. Chang’s on every corner instead of wasting time figuring out intricate ways to kill Americans.

Sadly (or maybe fortunately), that’s not the case. Having pizza delivered to your home can actually prolong your life. Case in point: In Lakewood, Colorado, George and Kami Linn decided to order pizza, and it was the best decision the couple ever made. As soon as the pizza delivery man rang the doorbell, George Linn began having a heart attack. I always get pretty excited about a fresh pizza, too, so I know where he’s coming from.

His wife, Kami, opened the door and frantically asked for help. Stay with me here, because this story’s about to get interesting. The delivery man happened to be a paramedic who had recently come back from his deployment in Iraq. He performed CPR on Mr. Linn while the Misses called 911. Linn was taken to the hospital where he made a full recovery. On a side note, that delivery man must have made one heck of a tip.

With this story in mind, it seems the more you have food delivered to your home, the more likely you are to get prompt medical attention. This is particularly beneficial to single men like me. Needless to say, I’ve started having food delivered to my home even when I’m not hungry. Sometimes I just invite the delivery boy in for a tour of my basement playroom. And by “playroom,” I mean “sex dungeon with a rotating bed, a fire pit, and multiple suspension devices.”

But I have another point about this story that’s completely non-related to food: If a guy who just got back from serving in Iraq isn’t too good to take a job delivering pizzas, why do people who get laid-off almost always think that getting a job as a shoe salesman is beneath them? It’s just another example of ex-soldiers being great citizens—they’re responsible, they don’t complain about anything, and they have sinewy muscles that go well with the body paint I have in my bedroom. Soldiers and ex-soldiers are the only “true men” that I know. And that’s including Wayne Knight.

All this talk about food has made me hungry. I think I’m going to go order some pizza. I hope Pavel is working today.

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