by Matt Bird

Created on: July 21, 2010

Generally speaking, weddings are meant to be joyous affairs. The union of two people under God, whomever that God might be. That's all - two people, joined, forever. Happy happy.

So it stands to reason, of course, that weddings wind up miffing some people. Indeed many people absolutely loathe weddings - hopefully not their own - and will do anything and everything to avoid the things. Here are some excellent reasons for them to do so.

- First off, weddings are expensive for everyone involved. The bride, the groom, the families, even the guests all have to pay through their noises to fund the one-day operation. There's a rather silly amount of expensive invested into weddings, the majority of which can be done away with. In reality a wedding could take less than fifteen or twenty minutes and cost, oh, a few hundred dollars? Maybe? Why all the pomp and frills?

- They're long. Often you're forced to sit in place for hours, waiting for the thing to start, and once they do the priest lingers on what he's saying for ages and ages. And then there's the reception, with all its stupid speeches... sigh...

- They're over-the-top. Not always, but some brides - yes, it's usually the brides, no offense ladies - go a bit crazy with their planning, to the point that their weddings are gaudy. Nobody seems to want simplicity anymore.

- They're uncomfortable. You're jammed into a small church, often one that's not air conditioned, with hundreds of people you may not know or even like - and often this is done during the spring and summer months when the weather is hot, hot, hot. Have fun with that.

- They're overly ritualized. If you're in the wedding party you'll probably wonder why you need to go through all the steps you do to get things done. Meh, just sign their names in that little book and get it over with already, you're hungry for some cake.

- And, on that front, the food is often somewhat sub-par. Weddings drift into the realm of small portions, and for a stomach that's been yearning for food all day that's just not done. Get rid of this piddly piece of fish drizzled in a thin veil of garlic sauce, we want a hamburger, dangit.

- They're forced social occasions. You have to talk to others. No choice. Whether you like it or not you'll wind up conversing with strangers, many of whom are drunk and idiotic.

- And, yes, they're also breeding grounds for stupidity. Celebrations come with booze attached, and where there's booze there's always some daft aunt or uncle who likes to drink too much. Be prepared for a spectacle, an embarrassment, an all-around catastrophe - and hopefully not one centered around yourself.

- Last, weddings often defeat their own purpose. They're so caught up in imagery and commercial spectacle that they neglect what's truly important: simple, unabashed love. When you truly adore someone, it shouldn't matter how you're forever joined, just that you're joined period.

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