by Rivs Aikman

Created on: July 20, 2010

I hate bathing suit weather with the heat of a thousand burning suns (which, coincidentally, is the approximate temperature outside right now).  I hate it because I hate wearing bathing suits.  There is no bathing suit that has ever been designed by man, monkey, or machine that manages to not make me look like a very uncomfortable blanched sausage or a rare species of floral print whale.  ("Save that whale-she matches my couch!")

The last time I wore a swimsuit, I was at a family barbecue at a favorite city park.  I had made the mistake of wearing a regular t-shirt and bra, and I was sweltering, but I had brought my swimsuit (which is several years old) just in case I got the chance to swim.  Displaying an unusual bit of foresight, I already had my daughter in her suit, and she was merrily playing in a nearby fountain with her cousins.  I went to the bathroom to change and came to the unfortunate conclusion that I had 1. gained weight since I bought the suit five years ago and 2. I should have put on the swimsuit before I went on a 2-mile walk in the sweltering head with my daughter.  While I was able to douse myself and get comfortable, I was subjected to a horrid amount of ragging from my sister, since the suit was low-cut, not sitting as well on my body as I would like, and my cups were running over from my generously proportioned bust (at least when I gain weight, I gain it all over instead of just gaining it in my abdomen).  On the plus side, I was able to cool off and play with my daughter and nieces and nephews in the fountain.

All of the embarrassment in the world doesn't change the fact that I absolutely love swimming.  If I could arrange for someone to keep my kid out of trouble for a couple of hours or so, I would swim until my skin prunes up, my arms and legs get sore, and my sunscreen wears off.  If I had a regular sitter, I would do that as many days as could until I could stop being embarrassed to be out in public in a bathing suit in bathing suit weather.  After all, the best way for me to not be mistaken for a rare floral print whale is to come to a point where I don't look like one!

Learn more about this author, Rivs Aikman.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.