by Josephine Polifroni

Created on: July 12, 2010   Last Updated: July 13, 2010

It may not seem there is anything wrong using one sibling as an example to another. After all, an older sibling knows more and can teach a younger sibling how to do things. Or, if one child is doing something exactly the way you want it done, what could be wrong with using them as an example? It may be difficult in these situations not to use that one child as an example to your other children, but the truth is that these comparisons are damaging in many ways.

It must be understood that having an older child assist or tutor or actually teach a younger sibling is different than using the older sibling as an example. There is nothing wrong with having the older child help their brother or sister with their homework or teaching them to shoot a basket or anything else.

The problem occurs when one child, regardless of age, is used as an example to another in order to criticize them. These comparisons make it clear the parent favors one child over the other. This is sometimes a matter of style. Often, one child performs in ways that complement one parent's style. In this case, the comparisons and their ill effects go on and on and not be just an occasional event.

Every relationship in the family is at risk when one child is used as an example to another. Feelings of jealousy and envy, anger and hurt are intensified. The criticized child becomes resentful and may even think about revenge. The favored child may feel superior or uncomfortable. The other parent may step in and before you know it, instead of a loving family, battle lines are drawn.

The criticized child receives one basic message when compared to a sibling, and that is that they are not good enough. They begin to doubt their self-worth and measure it against their sibling as they determine this is the only way to gain their parent's favor. This stunts their ability to grow and have faith in themselves: their goals, their dreams and their ability to achieve those aspirations. This is particularly so if the favored child is younger. The older sibling will begin to feel completely hopeless under these conditions.

The favored sibling is under pressure to constantly impress. He or she may sabotage the other child's efforts to keep their position or they may make fun of the less favored sibling. Some competition is inevitable between brothers and sisters but using one child as an example to another can cause such feelings of rivalry as to damage life-long relationships between siblings. In the normal course

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>