by Barry Parham

Created on: July 12, 2010

Abby Redux III

(More rants from our grumpy advice columnist)

Dear Abby Redux,
A store in our local paper is advertising "50% off or half price, whichever is less." As a budget-conscious homemaker, I'm conflicted. When should I make my move?
Signed,
Alert Shopper

Dear Alert Shopper,
You should definitely hold out for half price. Afterwards, to celebrate your victory over The System, grab a beverage and spend ninety minutes watching "60 Minutes."

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm very concerned about the long-term effects of the BP oil spill on our seafood. Am I being overly cautious?
Signed,
Al B. Chronic

Dear Al,
Shut up. Those nice folks at BP are just cutting out the middleman. Remember: for years now, we've been buying cans of tuna fish packed in oil. Maybe, if we're lucky, BP will take the next logical step and come up with a way to spill mayonnaise and chopped celery.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I just heard that Florida's Governor is thinking about switching parties again. Again! What is it with all these politicians changing parties? Which party is he switching to now?
Signed,
Beachcomber Babs

Dear Babs,
Tupperware.

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Dear Abby Redux,
A clothing store at the mall is advertising "wonderful bargains for men with 16 or 17 necks." I don't understand.
Signed,
Ima Littledim

Dear Yes You Are,
It's a simple question, dearie. Does your husband have 32 arms, or 34? Just shop for the shirt with the right number of necks, and hope the store's got a deal going on gloves. By the way, have you heard about the 50% off sale?

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Dear Abby Redux,
Next month, I'm planning to attend my 35th high school reunion. Talk about your target-rich environment! Any suggestions on what I should wear?
Signed,
Single Again

Dear Sepia Centerfold,
Let's face some facts, Toots. No need to dust off the open-toed shoes for this one. Thirty-five years since high school? All the women's hair will be dyed, and all the men's hair will have died. Unsaddle the steed of your stellar standards; you're not gonna rope in "Mr. Right" this night. Orville or Wilbur Wright, maybe. You'll be lucky to snag a dance with "Mr. Still Upright." Wear something comfortable. Avoid the punch.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm one of them guys whats always lookin to better hisself. Yesterday I seen a Help Wanted ad like this here - "Tired of working for only $9.75 an hour? Profit sharing, flexible hours. Starting pay: $7-$9 per hour." Huzzah! My ship has drove in!
Signed,
Burl

Dear Burl,
You know, somewhere in your town

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