by Nick Hoch

Created on: July 12, 2010

I can remember one night specifically.  It was after golf season so I didn’t have much to do that day.  I really spent a lot of my nights in thought and listening to music.  This night was different though.  I found so much hatred for myself and just wanted to end it.  I was sitting on the edge of my bed.  The orange sheets were a bit wrinkled.  My black carpet was darker than ever.  I precisely remember the light shining down on my orange walls adding a darker tint to my room.  In one hand, the knife. In the other, my phone.  I typed out the message that I thought through long and hard.  I slipped my thumb onto the center button, and felt it click as I pushed in.  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath.  My pulse was pumping and my hands were shaking.  I couldn’t do it.  It was a realization of what could still happen in my life, the people I could not let down, and what great opportunities I had already been given.  I walked away from suicide that night, but I was nowhere near “stable.”  I found myself very confused and somewhat lost over the next months.

Growing up I was always a good kid.  I never got in trouble and my grades were never below a B.  I never once got sent to the principal’s office and collected enough gold stars to wrap around my room twice.  As I grew older I was always involved in sports.  Specifically my sport was soccer, but I could pretty much play anything.  I had good friends and was very fortunate for how my life was playing out.

I never really fought with mom or dad and we never really had any problems.  To my sister I was the annoying little brother, but we still got along most of the time.  Looking back I guess my first insight on how things would be in the future was when my sister was a senior in high school.  Mom and Jess fought every day, not arguing, but more of a wrestling match.  I witnessed my mother throw a hot curling iron at my sister which then resulted in a brawl with my sister choking my mom on the ground.  Things would only get worse from there.  Soon my sister left for college, Hawaii Pacific University, thousands of miles away.  The next “big” disturbance in my childhood came in 4th grade.  It was afterschool on the Friday that started spring break.  I had gotten home and was going to have a friend over that night. 

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