by Francis Harris

Created on: July 12, 2010

Effective communication is about understanding another person and being understood by the other person. It has nothing to do with winning an argument, bringing another person around to agree with you or even coming to a happy compromise. It involves both (a) conveying your point of view, emotion, desire etc.  and (b) accurately understanding another person in their point of view, emotion, desire etc.

The only part of which you have full control is the part of making sure that you understand the other person. You may or may not be able to get them to understand you! No matter how perfectly you "transmit" they may not "receive". For whatever reason they may fail to understand you, but you can make sure you succeed in your part by understanding them!

Effective communication can often be very hard  - especially if we know the person well - because we forget it is about shared understanding. It is easy to slip from wanting to understanding another, to wanting to persuade another. And it is even easier to start placing high expectations upon them because we feel familiarity that they "should" understand us.

What are some tips to this golden rule of "understanding" in effective communication?

AS A SPEAKER

1. As a speaker we must make the least assumptions possible about the other person. We are to expect nothing from them - however well we know them or intelligent they are meant to be! Even if you are dealing with a university professor it can be helpful to respectfully imagine that you are dealing with a small child who has missed half of what you've said, misunderstood the remainder and who might be about to emotionally loose control at any moment as a small child might!

2. Keep your emotions in check. If we are prepared to be misunderstood, not heard and faced with an emotional explosion we are preparing ourselves to cope with any negative emotions that we may experience from another person who fails us in some way. Keeping our own emotions in check is vital if we are to cope with another person who may not be doing so well.

3. As a speaker who is prepared for the worst realize that you may need to repeat and confirm "information" that you think you have already given. The listener could become angry if you repeat things at them so - if you think you may have been misunderstood - try and elicit from them their "version" of what you have said and then listen. Even if you get no clues that you have been mis-understood or not heard, consider getting feedback

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