by Szilvia Adler

Created on: July 10, 2010

Chunky. Chopped up. It flows 10 to the 7th bits per second, yet it is not enough for ideal coherence. It wanders through jagged edge and valleys of uncertainties. It presses on coherence, on stress enabling factors.

It's malice. It's vicarious.

It offers simplicity over complexity, freedom over imprisonment, only it never comes to that. Those offers are always lost somewhere.

The music I chose is Snowbird, from Café del Mar. It drives my emotions up the wall as I’m thinking in my comfy train seat. It can never get better than this and I’m mad being confined merely to my seat. I’m not given enough space.

As horrible as I have felt before, now it’s on the contrary. This morning I’ve been through or let’s just say I had the privilege to be a witness to one of the most disgusting human traits: self-pity.

Starting today, I realized it will be on top of my list, trading places with jealousy and greed. I’m trying to figure out why we are the way we are. Why do we need to blame others and present self-pity as the most valued human traits possible? Why do we need to make others feel defeated to the their mainstay, leaving them helpless as they struggle to get themselves back together; a task that isn’t easy to begin with but sometimes impossible.

The void created in one’s soul is hard to get rid of, but possible with care and time. But what if you don’t have these anymore? What if you can only depend on the now and only on yourself? What if that particular moment would decide your fate and your destiny? What would you do? How would you decide your reactions? How would you retort to threat?

My silly questions revive when I see people getting hurt, used or even abused. However, I would ask: How did you get here and would you do something differently if you could? Or would you do it again because you have learned something or found something amid misery that is worth holding onto? Then I would ask the most important question: How did you discover your limited self?

I know I can get too philosophical sometimes but all I want to do is to discover the point behind it, or maybe even the logic, which I know might not exist. It is my duplicate personality driving everybody up on the wall. For heaven’s sake, make up your mind, they say.

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