I have managed to identify a few things that do not go down to well at job interviews:

1. If the subject of children comes up do not offer to baby sit for your potential boss at weekends.

2. When the interviewer asks if you have a sense of humour don't give him/her your most vile and graphic version of 'the aristocrats'.

3. When you are asked "why do you think this position is suitable for you?" Shrugging your shoulders and saying "dunno, because its two minutes away from the cinema" doesn't count as a convincing answer.

4. If you are asked if you have any questions don't say "what time do I get to go home?"

5. Don't take a packed lunch to job interviews.

6. Quite often employers are keen to find out how you handle stress. When quizzed on this don't mention the crown court prosecution for company fraud.

7. Being able to chug fifteen pints every night is not a 'skill', do not attempt to portray it as so.

8. A phone call from your probation officer on your mobile is bad on a number of fronts.

9. Sexual conquests should not go in the experience section on your application form.

10. You can maintain eye contact and blink at the same time.

11. Farting should be kept to a minimum and be plausibly deniable.

Learn more about this author, Vilmos Ziggy.
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