by Isobel J.

Created on: July 09, 2010

Some people lose contact with their extended family over the course of their lives. Some people even choose to cut ties with their parents while they are still young, long before they consider becoming parents themselves, due to hurts that won’t seem to heal. Still others lose parents and other extended family members to death way too soon. All of these losses are felt even more keenly when someone becomes a parent. If you are estranged from your mother, your child may never know his grandmother. If your dad died when you were young, your child doesn’t have the opportunity to meet her grandfather. If extended family move away and spread themselves out across the country, it is difficult and expensive to make arrangements to see them, and gatherings only happen one to two times a year, if at all.

All of these scenarios remind us of how important the support of our extended family is, especially as we enter the parenting phase of our lives. Our parents are typically key players in our children’s lives. Being a grandparent is a joy and an honor that many people adore. Our parents are the ones who are most likely to watch our children on Friday nights when we desperately need adult time or a date with our spouse. If they are retired, they are typically the ones we rely on at the last minute to care for our sick child if he or she can’t go to school. They may even be able to provide free childcare for working parents and help raise the children before they reach school age.

In addition to being glorified baby-sitters, a position that should be recognized for its integral role in maintaining emotionally healthy and calm family members (i.e., giving mom and dad a break, easing mom’s mind because she doesn’t have to put the kids in daycare, helping the family financially so that childcare doesn’t break the bank), grandparents provide continuity for the family. They offer tips to help new moms and dads learn how to care for their newborns. They provide emotional support for frazzled new parents. They continue to caretake with the new parents as these parents take on the responsibilities of child-rearing. They hold the key to traditions and family stories that they will share with their grandchildren, which will allow these things to be carried down through the generations. They pass the torch to the new parents but continue to help fan the flame with love, support and encouragement.

Other extended family members are invaluable supports for new parents as well. As mentioned before, people may have lost parents to emotional hurts or death but have an aunt or uncle who can step in as a surrogate parent and help fulfill the needs that a person’s parents may have fulfilled were they available. Cousins who are close in age and may have children of their own can provide support, tips, babysitting and even playmates for your children.

Of course, we may be discussing the “ideal” family here, and no families are completely ideal. Parents should not encourage family members to come in and take over, bully them about how they are raising their kids, or dictate how things should be done. Parents need to set up boundaries to protect themselves and their children so that they can benefit from all the good stuff extended family support provides and remove themselves from any negative and intrusive interactions.

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