by Rob O'Hannon

Created on: July 06, 2010

The first thing you have to learn is that articles on humor aren’t funny. And why aren’t they funny? Because the people writing them know as much about funny as Fox TV knows about tasteful programming – zilch, bupkiss, nada, or any other word that implies “stick with your day job kid, because when it comes to funny, you’re chopped liver, and not even good chopped liver, but the kind you get from the bottom of the bowel after the dog and the hamster are done.”

So, is this article going to tell you how to be funny? I wouldn’t count on it. Because funny really can’t be learned. You can be sarcastic, insulting, witty/ clever, or outrageous but none of that is really funny and I’ll tell you why.

The ability to be sarcastic use to be considered a sign of intelligence. That was back in 1878. Nowadays anyone who can string together more than three words in a coherent sentence can be sarcastic without evern thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s wonderful. Because without that they’d be about as interesting as a rock.And not the shiny kind of rock mind you, or the white one you pick up thinking “Hey, that would make a great souvenier” but is this rock really special enough? So you pick it up anyway because you are the best rock picker in the world, aren’t you. And your abillity to identify special rocks is unmatched, isn’t it. You are the Mister Rockmiester, you brain is a match for any rock.

Then, Mister Rockmiester, you get home and realize that your yard is full of the same white rock you hold in your hand. Nice going, smuck. Another wasted effort by the all time rock picking loser on the plant. You spent valuable time contemplaing a rock, time you could have spent improving yourself, or at least taking a bath already which God knows you sorely need.

After you wasted your time on things like that, I’m not witty/clever is for you. But we’ll assume that, properly chastized for your error (yes, I just gave you a chasity belt – there’s wit there – see if you can find it.) we will procede. Being witty and clever implies an ability to play with words. A fine example of this would be when someone use the phrase “Making new friends”, you respond “Making new friends what? Hah. Hah. You can see how this puts a different spin on a very common saying and, depending on the answer, may open the door to whole new experiences

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