by Elizabeth Etzel

Created on: July 05, 2010

Because I used to be at the age where people often hang out at bars for fun, I am privy to “morning after” complaints about aches, pains, losses and so on from events that took place the previous night, excluding hangovers.

NOTE: in general, people will not “complain” about having a hangover…they might mention the fact that a hangover is taking over their entire body, however they will NOT complain, since no one including myself, will take pity on them.

Personally, I feel that these post-bar attributes are simply a way to determine how much fun a person had, since obviously no one actually REMEMBERS how these things happen.
Therefore, I've developed an explanatory scale that evaluates your injury/ache/pain/loss and determines whether or not you had a “good night”.

The “Good Night” Interpretive Scale:

Note: say this before reading each of the following, "you know it's was a good night when you have/got..."

- Burnt tongue/mouth = you obviously indulged in a tasty (scalding-hot) meal, however if there are no dribbles on your clothes, good job, you just had a good night.

- Swollen/blistered feet = you obviously just danced your ass off, which means you burned off the calories from your booze, good job, you just had a good night.

- Lost jewelry/ cell phone = in the height of your drunkenness, you probably got emotional and gave away your prized jewelry/ cell phone to a homeless child on the street; good job, you just had a good night and probably saved some child from not getting beaten, since now they can pawn your jewelry/ cell phone in order to get the drug money to support their parents addiction.

- Bruised eye/knocked out tooth = you obviously initiated a bar fight in which you are A. still alive and B. not in jail. Good job, you just had a good night and you’ll probably be remembered at that bar for a long time.

- Broken bone = slipping and falling on the wet bathroom floor is a bitch…but besides the morning after pains of a broken bone, good job, you just had an AWESOME night…now that your able to sue the shit out of that place.

- Pregnant = you’re a dumb whore who should not be let out of the house...EVER. Good job, you just had a shitty night and you’ll be experiencing shit for the next 18 years.

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