by Jane Vee

Created on: June 22, 2010

At some point, we have all either thought or said negative comments about children or their parents. Who wants to hear a child scream and whine throughout an entire movie about not being able to see, they want a drink, they want food, it’s boring, it’s scary, and “can we go?”. My thoughts are usually directed at the parent. Unless the parent is needlessly torturing the child, I try not to say anything. Then, since I am a parent, I sometimes find myself in the same position. If you are a parent at some point your child has “acted up” in public and you have had to endure the looks and comments given. With a disabled child you find yourself in that situation a lot. How do you handle the unkind comments strangers make about your children?

As a parent to a child diagnosed with classic autism on the autism spectrum, I can honestly say the comments are sometimes easier to take than the stares. If you have a severely autistic child, you have times that your child starts screaming like someone is hurting them. You have also probably experienced the two year old tantrum cry, but there is nothing you can do for it, including leaving where you are. I remind myself how blissfully ignorant people can be when they say “why don’t they take that child and leave? That will make them shut up.” I laugh to myself thinking “I wish”. Depending on whether or not I think I can lift my child and carry him without him kicking someone, I will take him outside or home, but usually to no avail. If I think safely removing him will be a problem, I let everyone enjoy his socialization learning process.

I have gotten to the point that if a comment is ignorant enough or malicious enough, I will explain my child’s problem. I am not apologizing for my son, I am just educating the other person in hopes they become smarter and more tolerant of people’s differences.

If your child is with you, you do not want to put your child in harms way. Telling someone they are stupid might cause that person to become volatile. Your child is already in enough discomfort. Use a soothing tone when you talk, whether you are talking to your child or to the rude stranger that was unkind. I am told the same tone in my voice I use for calming and being nice is extremely condescending. It can put a person in their place as I stay pleasant and unruffled.

Another way to handle the situation is to ignore the unkind stranger. I rarely do this because I feel it teaches ignoring all injustices is right. Sometimes you have to just let it go. You need to decide if it is really worth a fight. Only you can decide this. You should not fight in front of your children, but you also should not let someone insult your child or children. Remember, since you are an adult and a parent, you should act like a parent. Give your best disappointed frown and shake your head at the offender(s).

You can keep your dignity and still let your feelings be known when strangers have unkind comments to say about your child. Never reply out of spite or revenge. If you can educate someone, take the time to do it. Tolerance works both ways and there are just some people who cannot help being rude.

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