by Jan Olson

Created on: June 17, 2010

“You are a powerful woman.”  

I have been told that many times in my adult life. It is a sentence I have trouble hearing. Still. I understand the words. I know what the sentence means. I just don’t see myself that way, so it is difficult for me to let those words penetrate the wall that is my self image.

As a child I used to dream of being an adult. I couldn’t wait. “When I’m grown up I can escape,” I would tell myself. “Nobody can tell me what to do  . . . nobody can say bad things about me. Nobody can hurt me.” 

And I waited for this to happen. I turned 15, 18, 21, 30, 40 and so on. I never escaped. People are still telling me what to do and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to hear what some folks are saying about me. And, yes, they still have the power to hurt me.

During all this time people kept saying, “You are a powerful woman.”  The words still didn’t get through. “It must have to do with something other than age,” I thought. Time went on, and eventually I learned to bridge the gap between how I see myself and how others see me, at least in one area of life.

One of the first times I saw this gap begin to narrow was when I realized how many women are abused in their own homes. I understand that most women who are abused were abused as children.  In fact, as a child I watched my sister being abused by my father and during those times I lived in terror. I was a teenager when I made the decision: This will never happen to me.  And I meant it. The gap was beginning to narrow. The intensity of that decision gave me power that I did not yet recognize. But the power of that critical decision became a part of me.

Before I was married I told my then fiance that if he ever laid a hand on me I would wait until he was asleep and I would “take care of business.” I figured it was only fair to let him know that abuse is not an option, and he believed it. And he never laid a hand on me. 

When I was single again I learned self-defense and some martial arts. I was still feeling like a victim. I did not yet see the power of my words or of my actions. 

Each relationship I entered I made sure he knew that I will not be physically abused. Each knew that I am capable of physically defending myself. And I have never been physically abused. 

Currently I am involved with a pacifist who has been abused in his past. One day, during a disagreement, he said to me, “You scare me. You’ve studied martial arts.” And on that day, in this one area of life, I understood. I am a powerful woman. I will not be physically abused. That critical decision made those many years ago is now a powerful fact of my life.

I’m pretty sure there have been other powerful decisions I’ve made over the course of life that have contributed to other areas where I am a powerful woman. I just don’t see them, yet.

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