by Beat Spiccoli

Created on: June 16, 2010

They say money doesn't grow on trees.  But if you're a bit paranoid or if you're a fugitive then consider using cash only.  Get a job picking lettuce in California or peanuts in Georgia.  Take your salary of $140 per week and buy your cigarettes at the local liquor store.  When the clerk turns to snatch your smokes behind the counter, grab a bottle of gin that's on sale (usually displayed near the cash register) and stick it in your back pocket or down your pants.  If you live near a big city hitch a ride to fast-food restaurants to grab your daily grub.  The trick is to go to different ones; it won't work if you go to the same one.  Duh!

Fast-food restaurants are an excellent source of free food.  On the way in pick up a discarded french fry and using sleight of hand, cup it in your palm.  Order the largest burger and shake with fries (super-size if available) and pay the youngster or senior citizen.  This should be a take-out order.  I'll explain momentarily.  As you snatch your bag of food, turn around shrug your right shoulder violently, drop the fry on the floor stomp it (thus releasing the wad of grease) and fall down while keeping a grip on your bag.  Start screaming, "My back!  My back" and try your best to look woozy.

If your acting is superb the 17-year old manager (or a loser who's 40+ years old) will come out of his office, wide-eyed with horrific visions of having to explain to mom and dad why he got fired again.  Remain on the floor!  Start rubbing your neck and turning your head back and forth very slowly.  As the manager's eyes start to glaze over, tell him that you'll forget it if he refunds your money.  If the manager hesitates mention that your legs are getting tingly and try to cry.  99.9% of the time you will get your money back.

So now that you know how to save money, visit the plethora of these joints and hit 'em up.  It would be best to take note of the ones you've visited and a map marked with these eateries doesn't hurt.  By the time you've visited all of them you can safely start over because everyone who works at these places either quits or gets fired within a month of getting hired.  Having perfected this skill, you can apply it with modification at other places, like K-Mart or Toys 'r' Us.  Wal-Marts and Targets are no good because you'd have to die before anyone will give you a refund of inconvenience and suffering.

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