by Barry Parham

Created on: June 14, 2010

Abby Redux II

(Abby fends off academia, alchemy and atavism)

Dear Abby Redux,
Do you think White House spokesman Robert Gibbs realizes how many times he says "obviously" during a press conference?
Signed,
Obviously Works From Home

Dear Obviously,
Obviously not.

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Dear Abby Redux,
According to my coach, I have to take a philosophy class. According to a book I'm almost reading: "This skepticism about natural causation arose as part of the rejection of the Aristotelian understanding of causation, and finds its logical terminus in Hume's contention that causes and effects are really just events that we observe to be constantly conjoined."

According to my exam paper: "Please discuss."
Signed,
According To How To Write A Business Letter

Dear Future Vice President,
Please discuss? Well, duh. Sounds to me like the first documented historical case of "it's all George Bush's fault." And don't you hate it when skeptics find their logical terminus?

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Dear Abby Redux,
I'm the Senate Majority Leader of a fairly popular North American country, and I'm afraid I may lose my bid for re-election. I'm a career politician, and don't know what I would do if I had to get a real job. What do you advise?
Signed,
Hairy Screed

Dear Fossil,
Shut up. "Career" and "politician" should never be used in the same sentence. However, the way you guys have been handling things lately, "politician" and "sentence" are a perfect fit.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Loved your column last week. I'm a religious leader who's thinking of starting an advice column of my own, and calling it "Rabbi Redux." Your thoughts?
Signed,
Father Colin del Taco Mgobo Itzhak O'Casey Berkowitz

Dear Hillary's Campaign Manager,
That's the stupidest name for an advice column I ever heard.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I write a humor column, and recently a lady took me to task for referring to brown pelicans and Helen Thomas as mammals. The lady took the time to point out that pelicans are not mammals. Should I stop writing?
Signed,
Clueless Joe Jackson

Dear Clueless,
That's okay. It's true that pelicans are not mammals. But neither is Helen Thomas.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I just took an email test that ended with "think of a color and a tool." Apparently, 98% of people will think of "red hammer." I immediately thought of "white can-opener." I don't even want to consider the therapeutic repercussions.
Signed,
Marginal

Dear Marginal,
You need to butch up. I got two words for you: NAS  CAR.

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 Dear

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