by Briony Botha

Created on: June 08, 2010

January 2010, I find myself boarding an aeroplane to the United States for the first time in my lifetime. It is a long journey from Johannesburg to Las Vegas via Paris and Washington and so my thoughts were turned to the little girl I had left behind, my beautiful ten month old Ava and what would become of her if I did not return, what were all the thoughts and ideas and wisdoms I would want to leave behind for her and so I started to write a letter, which turned into a long letter and eventually a series of long letters of all the things I wanted my little girl to know. Things about life and love, health and art and relationships. A collection of ideas and insights and lots of little things about me that might help her to understand the world we live in and the person she is to become.

I knew the I was pregnant the very moment you were conceived, I felt something different, tingly inside my tummy. People laughed at me, but I knew I was pregnant with you and I knew you were  a little girl and that I was going to call you Ava. Two weeks later it was confirmed by a blood test, but I already knew and I was the happiest nauseous pregnant woman, I was so proud. It felt as if my life had come full to a point of fruition that would begin the newest cycle of my life.

Being pregnant was not what I expected, not the blissful experience that you read about or hear about, but I did enjoy not having to pull my stomach in all the time and even though I did not look pregnant for a few months, I longed for the day that my tummy would be bursting out for all to see. From the very beginning I had an urge to rub my belly and could not wait for feel you move inside me. I remember the first time I felt that and for several weeks the fluttering of you moving inside me would stop me mid-sentence and bring me to tears. The rest was not so romantic, numerous blood tests and doctors visits, desperately wanting to deliver you naturally and being told that it would proba  bly not be possible because of my male shaped pelvis! Stress and anxiety over stretch marks and finally some very swollen feet and then the scheduled caesarian section was would change my life. 

The anxiety of having a C-section was really much worse than the process itself. I think you Dad was a little more nervous than he let on, but the idea of a natural delivery probably scared him more. I was extremely afraid of having a spinal block and there were many tear shed as they took

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