by Jay Shree

Created on: June 07, 2010

What has happened to me? As the sun shines and sets, I am frequently asking myself that question. Three years ago if anyone has asked me what would I want to be when I grew up, I'll just smiled and say, well it definitely has something to do with the medical field. Three years ago, if my friends had called me to a shopping mall or a campsite, I wouldn't have second thoughts of saying no. That was the kind of person I was. The type that lived her day not worrying about her future because she knew whatever might happen will happen. I wanted to visit places with a peaceful mind, excel well and on top of that I had a vision in my mind that kept a purpose mirroring my life's path.  In additional to that, I had a loving family who was there beside me, a circle of friends to joke around with and guide me, dedicated teachers and a little yet sweet home. Every night as I hugged my blanket, I felt save and there wasn't any other place I knew of that could provide me with that feeling. To me, I was given the life many other teenagers or long lost cousins in Jaffna would have wanted to have.

Whether it is destined or vice versa, my once peaceful mind seem to diminish as now thoughts of anxieties filled my head. I did not asked for them, but yet from nowhere they just came. Many expectations I couldn't fulfill, I myself have lost the confidence my younger self had for herself, moreover, answers were nowhere close to describe my reasons. All of a sudden my life seems to be at a purposeless stage not at all easing the burden while allowing my life opportunities to say goodbye at my own face. I want nothing more to be my old self again, I want back my pride, my laughter, my confidence and beyond all my purpose in life which I believed in. I prayed to have this unwanted thoughts that disrupts my life to be abolished for eternity.

May my unnecessary thoughts or anxieties or phobias or whichever words humans would like to describe it be expelled from my life. The purpose in life was my sole faith that everything will be alright someday yet now in my thoughts that someday perhaps might not exist and never will. As for what I can do, I ask myself, I ask my Gods and Goddesses for their guidance and courage to my family and loved ones who have lost their hope in me.

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