by J'Adore Ecrire

Created on: June 03, 2010

I remember riding on the school bus quietly, hoping that no one would notice me.  I wished I was invisible to my peers, my family and myself.  At an innocent age of 10 years old, I understood the exact meaning of pain and the agony that it could bring into ones life.  Not that I knew what was happening to me or why, but I was aware that it felt different from what other 10 year old children appeared to be feeling.  The noise around me was outrageous but I clinched my teeth, with the fear that at any moment the attention could shift towards me.  My stomach was queasy every morning when awaking and even my mother dreaded assisting me with getting dressed because it took such a toll on both of us before beginning our day.

The world around me had no idea of the frustration behind my eyes, when they taunted me and picked about the size of my body.  Although they were speaking of something so simple that seemed reversible, it got into my mind deeper than anyone has ever been in my entire life as of today.  I had friends that would laugh with me so they said, but this was because I was smiling or acting as if, nothing bothered me.  If they only knew how devastated I was at that very moment that those other kids ripped what little bit of pride and self-respect my parents had installed in me apart.  It crossed my mind ever day to talk it out with others aside of the home, but that wasn’t an option because it would only show people how weak I really was.  It imposed the fear that if they knew I was hurting then those laughing with me would be laughing at me, and those laughing at me would go beyond cruel limitations. So I held it in, and withstood the pain, as if I had no other choice.  It ate away ate me then and haunts me on a regular basis now.

What could I have done differently?  Why was this so painful for me? And why has it stuck with me for so many years?  Maybe I don’t know how to let go of pain or is it that I hold the tightest grudges in the history of America, I don’t know. But I can tell you that it is very real and can’t be mistaken.  Many will never understand the feeling and most people will find it ridiculous that I’m still even thinking about it. Especially since I deeply feel those who ridiculed me didn’t know any better nor were they aware of the after math.  I have forgiven, but forgetting has been a great trial for me in life and when obstacles

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