by Lowell Mertz

Created on: February 27, 2007   Last Updated: April 18, 2007

First of all you cannot abuse alcohol. Like any 500 pound gorilla it will tear the hell out of you. Perhaps it is the distance you are willing to travel to have that beating repeated that can provide the desired definition. The first half mile or so you'll probably be accompanied by your best friend, denial.

Denial will tell you that things are cool, it's all good and everybody out there will just have to deal with it because it's just your way of blowing off steam. Your other buddy, Ego, will chime in that you work a 9-5, pay your taxes and who the hell are THEY to tell you how much you can drink, anyway! Along the side of the road you'll pick up Attitude who will become Ego's best friend and will remain with you for the rest of the trip.

After the first half mile, the road will become a lot bumpier and your friend Denial, although he will remain in spirit for the rest of the ride, will be replaced by Rationalization.

For the duration of the trip you'll meet other companions like Shame, who will stick to you like a lost puppy. You'll stop somewhere along the way and if you open the trunk you will find that Loneliness and Fear have hitched a ride without your invitation. As you pass by Despair, Hopelessness, and their buddy Remorse you realize they were there a quarter of a mile back and that they will be standing with their thumbs out a quarter mile ahead. Soon enough you'll pick them up whether you want to or not.

Finally, the road will branch out to three highways. The sign lists each destination. They are Incarceration, Insanity, and Death. Before you reach that intersection you will have passed a number of little dirt roads you would have turned onto if your buddies Ego and Attitude had not put up such a fuss. Just a couple of little dirt roads with garage-sale like cardboard signs and a scrawled arrow pointing towards Sobriety.

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