by Barry Parham

Created on: May 31, 2010

Abby Redux

(Free advice. It's worth every penny.)

Dear Abby Redux,
I'm told that life is hard, I'm owed nothing, I have to work for a living, things won't always go my way, and I may actually have to make my own house payments. Is this still America?
Signed,
Numbed By Entitlement

Dear Numbed By Entitlement,
Shut up.

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Dear Abby Redux,
All my life, I've played by the rules. But in the last 200 days, I've lost my job, my investments, my home, my car, my credit, and my wife left me for another woman. At this point, I'm seriously thinking about moving to Mexico and then sneaking back in.

Signed,
On The Edge

Dear On The Edge,
Look on the bright side. At least the government still has your health.

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Dear Abby Redux,
Is it just me, or does it seem like terrorist attacks by religious radicals are on the rise?
Signed,
Minimally Observant

Dear Minimally Observant,
Shame on you. Simply because 100% of recent terrorist attacks have been initiated by religious radicals, you stretch logic by assuming any kind of spurious pattern. That would be like saying that a bank was robbed by 4 guys wearing clown masks, the robbers were seen leaving the scene in a brown Ford Bronco, and then an overly reactive local police force put out an All Points Bulletin for 4 clowns in a brown Ford Bronco. I mean, really.

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Dear Abby Redux,
I can't believe Sparkle was thrown off the "Survivor" island!
Signed,
Dismayed

Dear Dismayed,
I'm guessing you're the type of person who pays good money for two phone lines, just so you can vote twice during "American Idol." I would say "get a life" but I'm afraid you'd think it's some sort of self-help diet, or a new version of Windows.

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Dear Abby Redux,
After President Bush signed the law that created Hurricane Katrina, I found myself with no home and no television. I moved into a cardboard box on the Louisiana coast and managed to eke out a living selling shrimp to a shifty-looking franchiser named Captain D. Yesterday, President Obama showed up on our beach and walked around in his shirt-sleeves, nodding knowingly. Then a nondescript bus showed up, 200 BP employees surrounded the President, and they all performed some kind of weird interpretive dance. Anything going on in the news I should know about?
Signed,
Percy Walker

Dear Percy Walker,
Not to worry. BP is currently performing a non-invasive deep-sea experiment, involving hemisphere-wide baths of potentially toxic chemicals in amounts that would kill a Klingon. BP's plan, assuming

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