by Elaine M. Doxie

Created on: May 29, 2010   Last Updated: January 27, 2011

Gaslighting is the ultimate form of emotional abuse, and can even be continued after the divorce is final.  It is difficult for others to detect, and may even be difficult for the victim herself to detect until she has sufficiently regained her self-esteem enough not to doubt her own perceptions.  It can be used in custody battles to make her doubt her worth as a mother causing her to give up because she knows she'll lose.  It can happen to men as well, but happens more commonly to women.

Gaslighting is the practice of making the victim doubt his/her own perceptions of events.  It is named after a movie called "Gaslight," where the husband caused his wife to doubt her perceptions by causing the gaslights in the house to dim on a regular basis, then telling her that it was her imagination.  It can be little things, such as moving an object and then telling you that it was there all along.  It can be bigger, such as hitting, throwing or kicking you and then trying to tell you that it never happened.  The abuser will keep this up until you think you must have been imagining things.  When you are with a person who does this, you learn not to trust your own instincts, or your own memories of events. 

In a custody battle, he can use this to his advantage, making agreements in private, then refusing to live up to them, claiming he never made those agreements once you are out in public.  He will make up his own custody schedule, which may or may not be the one that you made with him.  If you object, he will tell you that you agreed to it, in spite of the fact that you did not agree to anything.  If you go out without the children and call them from where you are, he will tell them and the court that you are "mocking" your children.  If you take the children with you to do something fun, he will gaslight them, until not only do they believe that they didn't have any fun with you, but that you had sinister intentions in taking them out.

Some of the signs to look for in a person that does this is that this person will not ever want to have any record of anything that he says to you.  Gaslighting is impossible where there are records available.  This is why you must insist upon having a record.  Find out the laws for recording phone calls in your state.  If you cannot record phone calls, you may insist that any contact is through your answering service or email.  This way you always have  a record of the conversations, and you cannot be told that they never happened.  They will also not want any witnesses on your side if they are doing this, and will give you another face in front of witnesses than they will when you are alone with them.  Make sure that any time at all that you speak to this person, it is in front of witnesses who will help you not to doubt your perceptions.  This will help you to combat this behavior, and ultimately save your sanity.  No matter how you slice it, gaslighting is vicious and cruel, and will not stop until you no longer have contact with your abuser.  The best thing that you can do to combat it is to trust your own memories. 

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