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You've found some musicians. You've begun to write some songs. Now, you need a name. Prepare yourself for weeks of sleepless nights, argumentative band sessions and a serious drink problem:

* Random Band Name generators. Argh! You might as well push a knitting needle into your eye and try to spell the noise it makes. These are invariably written by spotty teenagers who wish they had enough friends to form a band. Do not use.

* Democracy does not work. If everybody chooses a name they all hate equally, it will be rubbish - just rubbish in a fair and democractic way. Choose a good one and suppress your bandmates with physical force instead.
* If you make the mistake of starting life with a rubbish name, you're going to have to stick with it once you have a following. It's your own stupid fault, so deal with it.
* Following the current trend for band names just makes you look like a bunch of pre-teens. The 'the' bands grew tired after "The Strokes". Similarly, appending a number to the end of your name looks like the original was already taken, rather like a clumsily constructed email address - "Hello Manchester, we're FallenAngel34!"
* Don't deliberately misspell words. Isn't 'Split Enz' or 'KoRn' just the worst band name you can think of?
* Umlauts are only to be used (even overused) for metal bands. The more inappropriate the use, the better. Disregard all pronunciation rules and throw those little bullets around. Bonus points for putting them over consonants.
* Don't be too clever. '!' can't be found on a number of internet search engines, and the staff at HMV don't know what to do with their CDs. Bang goes their record contract.
* If your band is named after another band's song, you're going to be compared to that band. You relinquish all rights to individuality. You will be seen as a tribute band, but not a very interestingly named one.
* If on the other hand you are a tribute band, your name has to be very very camp. And has to obviously relate to the band in question. Notable examples include AB/CD, T-Rextasy, Bjorn Again.
* Once the band breaks up, only the lead singer can use the prefix 'The New' before the original band name eg "The New Brand New Heavies". Other band members must use their own eg "Keisha Buchanan's Sugarbabes". If the lead singer chooses (in a fix of primadonnaism) to use their own name, the other band members should apply for work in Asda.

If these tips don't help, all you can do is steal someone else's name and hide the bodies...

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