by Sam E. Jones

Created on: May 27, 2010

For most people, the time after a divorce is filled with emotional upheaval. One minute its joy and jubilation at having the whole thing be finally over and once again discovering how exhilarating absolute freedom can be; the next its deep depression as crushing loneliness takes over; and then its defeat as we wonder if we are doomed to spend our days forever alone traversing the earth a pariah, a nomad, ever searching for something we know deep down we will never find.

It’s not a pretty time, but there are some things most people could, and probably should do to help even out the emotional hills and valleys and thus stay reasonably sane while time heals the wounds of our failed marriage.

The first thing most people should do, is spend some time alone rediscovering who they truly are. This is because quite often one of the casualties of a failed marriage is the loss of a feeling of self. This is especially true for marriages that lasted a long time. After living your adult life as a double entity, it is difficult to think of yourself as just you. Therefore, after a divorce, instead of going out partying, or hanging with friends every moment to ward off loneliness, consider spending some time alone, thinking and doing things that remind you of who you once were, or thought you might be, given the chance.

As you spend time rediscovering who you are, also take some time to consider who you might be had you never married in the first place. Were there interests you had but let slip away because you didn’t have time or they got in the way of your children’s or spouse’s needs? Were there people you used to know and like that you lost contact with because it didn’t seem to work once you got married? Pursuing these kinds of things or people are great opportunities to not just reconnect with the old you, but to find out something about the new you, and whether that is the person you still might like to be.

Something else that might help you adjust to being single again is to revamp how your present yourself. Married people tend to fall into patterns and to follow routines of least resistance and wind up looking a bit staid. Once you divorce though, the time is ripe to consider a new wardrobe, a new hair style or even a whole new attitude. Instead of just throwing something on each day, put yourself together in a way that represents the new you and the direction you plan to take your life. And when you’re out there amongst other people, act the part, and soon, it will become an actual part of who you really are.

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