by Vicki Brown

Created on: May 20, 2010   Last Updated: May 22, 2010

Physical pain is no stranger to me. I have a high tolerance to pain, which is good since I have so many health issues that cause pain. I can handle physical pain.

Emotional, mental, spiritual pains are different. I have little tolerance to them. I try to have a good attitude and see pleasure in little things. I try to stay positive and strong. I can’t anymore.

The pain, both physical and emotional, has battered me like ocean waves against the rocks. Eventually, the rocks wear down by the constant pounding of the sea. I’m worn down.

For almost thirty years, I was strong. I stayed in a loveless marriage and raised three children with minimal help from their father. He paid the bills. We moved many times due to his job. We lived in twelve houses. Twelve times we packed up our lives and moved to a very different location.

Twelve times I unpacked and decorated a new house so it would feel like home. I found doctors for me and the kids as well as dentists. I found a drug store, a dry cleaner, a vet, a kennel, and all of the other services.

I was upbeat the whole time. Other women told them how amazing I was. They would never move and their husbands knew it. So why did I move? Because I was a good wife and my husband’s career came first. It benefited all of us in the end. Or so I told myself.

Move number 9 or was it number 10 one of them was the move that broke this camel’s strength and good cheer. The move took us away from our children. Not just away but 3,000 miles away.

That was when my mind snapped. It began with intense anxiety and mild depression. Then one day driving to work it leapt to full blown panic disorder. It was awful. The worst thing I have ever experienced. During one particularly bad attack, I was in such mental anguish that had a gun been handy I would have shot myself.

We moved again but this time closer to our children so I could see them often. I thought I would soon be back to normal. My strength had been drained and I no longer had the energy to have a good attitude.

I had trouble at work. I didn’t have the energy or the concentration to deal with everything that once had been so easy. I couldn’t get along with my co-workers and the supervisor seemed to enjoy playing mind games.

I finally quit. I knew I was sick but what could do this to me. After 18 months of tests, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I had all the symptoms; overwhelming fatigue, post-exertional malaise, headaches, brain fog,

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