by Sara Mcgrath

Created on: May 20, 2010   Last Updated: June 16, 2010

When little people assert themselves, big people can respond in several ways. Toddlers use defiant behavior to communicate their needs and desires and to stand up for themselves. That's a good thing. Who wants a wimpy toddler? We want confident toddlers, right?

We want to encourage independence. Better yet, we want to encourage healthy interdependence. That means our toddlers take bold steps when they feel confident and ask for help when they need it.

The trick is getting the whole family moving in the same direction. We parents are in charge of finding creative ways to meet everyone's needs while we avoid triggering defiant responses from our children. Let's look at some scenarios.

Mom is attempting to rush somewhere. The toddler doesn't want to hurry. She wants to dawdle and examine rocks and leaves along the way. First, establish whether or not the hurry is justified.

Slowing down, if possible, would solve the conflict. Mom could have planned ahead, anticipated toddler speed, and left earlier. However, let's say she's late and the toddler won't budge without a fight. What are her options?

She can whip out her cell phone and let the doctor, or whoever is waiting at the destination, know she will be a few minutes late. Sometimes being late is okay. She can offer to carry the toddler. She can take a moment to relax and engage in her child's rock exploration.

Sometimes just a moment of attention is sufficient to change the emotional energy between the two. On that note, Mom can take a deep breath to calm herself and see if her calm might spread to the toddler. It often does.

Mom can help her toddler understand by using clear, active words. Not only do toddlers not respond well to the words "No" or "Don't," they may have difficulty understanding what Mom wants instead of the "don't wants" that she's expressing.

When Mom says, "Please don't stop. No more rocks," or whatever the situation warrants, the toddler may feel confused despite understanding the words. Mom can try instead, "Let's skip" or "Let's run" and "Toss the rock" or "Bring the rock."

When a toddler takes a defiant stand, Mom can attempt to understand the communicative value of that stance and appreciate the toddler's effort and confidence.

Even when Mom can't figure out a way to meet everyone's needs, she can still remain compassionate and open to her child. She can at least say, "I know that you want to look at rocks." Then the toddler knows that his communication has worked and that Mom cares even if she must hurry.

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