by Elspeth Raisbeck

Created on: May 19, 2010   Last Updated: May 22, 2010

The Art of Listening.

What if there was a neat trick that’s guaranteed to make you more attractive and interesting to everyone you meet, could win you friends and arguments, make you more intelligent, improve your memory and help you enjoy more of everything you do?

What if it could do the same for your children?

Would you pay for it?  What if it was free?

This ‘trick’ is nothing more than good old-fashioned listening – something we do every day, but if we were really good at it, would help us achieve all of the above.

Most of us think we’re good listeners but studies have shown that we forget 50-75% of what we hear.  So if you listen to your spouse for 10 minutes you might only remember 2 ½ - 5 minutes of what s/he said.  And if s/he listens to you for 10 minutes...

Listening properly to others starts with ourselves.  There are several things we do that get in the way of really understanding what other people are saying, so we need to be aware of these.

Noise.

Apart from background noise – traffic, music, other voices, music – in our physical environments, there is also the noise of our own thoughts that can drown out what someone else is saying.  ‘What’s for dinner?’ ‘What time do the kids need to be collected?’ ‘Is s/he having an affair?’ etc etc. 

This loss of focus on the other person can mean that we miss vital parts of what’s being said.  In turn it can make our replies seem odd or even obvious that we weren’t listening. 

Even if you’re listening to the other person, chances are you’re getting ready to respond to what they’re saying, marshalling your arguments or getting ready to contradict or agree.

To stop this self-talk, communications expert Peter Thomson (author of The Secrets of Communication - Be Heard and Get Results) recommends silently repeating to yourself the last 5-10 words the other person has just said.  This serves to keep you focussed and doesn’t allow your own thoughts, or the answer you’re queuing up to intrude.

It also helps you better remember what the other person is saying because you’re hearing it twoce – once as the person says it and once as you repeat it to yourself.

Interestingly, not only is this an easy skill to learn, but in repeating what the person just said, you don’t lose what they are currently saying because your brain

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