Breast Men (1998) Starring Chris Cooper, David Schwimmer, Emily Procter, Terry O'Quinn, Matt Frewer, Kathleen Wilhoite, Julie McCullough, John Stockwell, Louise Fletcher, Fred Willard, Raphael Sbarge, Lyle Lovett, Lisa Marie.

Directed by Lawrence O'Neil .

Running Time: 95 Minutes.

Rating: R

Two Texas plastic surgeons (Cooper and Schwimmer) pioneer the practice of breast enhancement surgery becoming multimillionaires in the process. They encounter unexpected complications from their work which are trivial compared with those faced by their unsuspecting patients.

As you can imagine, even though this film was shot with an ironic and even perhaps comedic tone, women's organizations didn't find any of it very funny. It was not just because it is a glorified jigglefest but because it really does trivialize the poisoning that resulted from silicone gel implants. The only issue relating to breast implants that this movie does not trivialize is female vanity. Worse this "comedy" just isn't funny. It is the result of a poor, bottom-of-the-pile script which only got produced because of its provocative subject matter and opportunities for abundant nudity.

The casting of David Schwimmer, the least successful cast member of the NBC hit situation comedy Friends and Chris Cooper, one of Hollywood's best supporting actors (but nothing more than that) is intended to make us feel like we are watching a movie that could have been shown in a theatre instead of the made-for-cable concoction that this is. Such is the formula of Home Box Office, one that has defined the concept of made-for-cable "cinema".

The cast fills out with sort of familiar faces. You know the type. TV actors like Schwimmer and Terry O'Quinn who would like to be doing feature film but this is the best they have been offered. Then you have actors that seem to get a lot of work in supporting roles in features but never anything sizable like Chris Cooper in a role bigger than you would ever see him in on the big screen.

You throw in other actors that people might recognize like Louise Fletcher who played Nurse Ratchet in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (1975) or former Playboy Playmate Julie McCullough who was on TV's Growing Pains or Lisa Marie who was in Ed Wood (1995) or country singer Lyle Lovett who still had pretensions of being an actor after those Robert Altman films he did.

Add in low-grade production value and hope for the best. This what made-for-cable is. It tries to approximate the experience of going to see a big budget blockbuster Hollywood movie but at best only gives you the feeling of renting a low budget one.

Cooper's performance is a cranky, one note effort and Schwimmer's turn is a similarly one-dimensional dorky characterization. The script allows for little else. The opportunity presented lured them in more likely as athe best offer for sizeable film roles they could get.

Made-for-cable movies are the new vehicles for minor stars and ambitious supporting actors or once big stars that are now slumming. The old vehicles were of course low budget films in Europe or (Gasp!) Canada.

Big studio executives tend to find made-for-cable movies reassuring. They validate the studio approach to movie making (big budgets, big stars, big effects) by not satisfying the public demand for that type of film.

Studio features have the kind of budgets that made-for-cable movies just don't. They can afford better production value. Trying to imitate feature film quality by inserting nudity and swearing will not fool audiences.

Learn more about this author, Jason Daniel Baker.
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