by Susan D. Anderson

Created on: May 11, 2010

The most important concept for getting along with people you dislike is what psychologists call “compartmentalizing.”  You take little bits of anything positive you can discover about the person and file them away in a special compartment in your brain.  We’ll talk about how to use them in a minute.

Compartmentalizing is a process that comes naturally when we deal with people we like.  For example, a friend who is always late will be forgiven for that bad habit time after time because we enjoy her company so much it’s worth a small aggravation.  We put the bad habit in a little compartment and keep the affection we have for her clean and clear. 

In contrast, we often experience near total aggravation around people we dislike. The sight of them, the sound of their voice, emails with their name on them, passing their house or a car that looks like theirs – anything associated with these people causes a negative reaction. Outwardly we may behave in a civil manner but inwardly we feel quite miserable about having to deal with the person. 

The best antidote for that miserable feeling is to peck around for morsels of this person’s existence that carry some positive weight.  Does another colleague find her witty?  Put that in the compartment.  Was she strong in the face of some adversity?  Does her car have a bumper sticker showing support for a cause you support?   Is she knowledgeable about an unusual topic?   Tidbits many come from conversations you overhear, from observations, from a document, or from your own experiences.  They may not even be especially positive; some of the scraps you find may be just plain neutral. 

You see, what usually happens is that we keep our minds and hearts shut tight against anything good others may say about someone we dislike, or any good impressions they may make in some circumstances.  And yet, if you can discover something about this person that is not negative, it’s worth holding on to.  It forces you to remember that just as none of the people we love are wholly wonderful, those whom we dislike are not wholly awful people.

Don’t expect to find enough material to outweigh what you dislike about the person.  That’s unlikely to happen.  The point is simply to have some positive and neutral ideas, no matter how small, that take up some space in your concept of this person. 

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