by Hannah Russell

Created on: May 08, 2010

"Childhood Birthday Presents: Practicing a Cherished Social Ritual"

Birthday parties—we all remember them.  The joy and feeling of acceptance when you received that invitation.  The child-like glee when your parents said that you could go to the party. My favorite part as a child was when my mother took me to the store, a small amount of money allotted to me, so that I could pick out a birthday present for them.  I walked up and down the aisles of the department store, asking myself what my friend would like best.  When I saw something that I thought they might like, I imagined to myself what my friend would say after opening it up.  When my imagination envisioned just the right response, I knew that that was the present for my friend.

I lovingly took these presents home, wrapped them in just the right paper, put on a matching bow made of curling ribbon and waited.  When the day of the party arrived, I went and enjoyed the party activities, but my favorite part was when my present was opened.  I wanted to see their happiness.  I wanted to see if I had guessed correctly that they would like my present.  It was the most anticipated part of the whole party.

Why was this the most anticipated part?  Firstly, because when I saw my gift accepted by the friend, I felt accepted. Secondly, I, like most children, was told that it is better to give than receive.  When I saw my friends open their presents and saw their joy for the present, I really believed it.

How are we to expect that our children will understand that giving is better than receiving, if they never seen the receiving?  How are we to expect that our children will believe us when we tell them that? Part of growing up is learning about social customs, such as gift giving.  Gift giving is essential to our culture.  We give gifts on birthdays, holidays and at weddings.  We give gifts when new babies are born, we are leaving, someone else is leaving.  We give gifts when saying thank-you, sorry, or just because we want to express affection. How can we possibly expect children to learn the proper way to give gifts, accept gifts and react once the gift is accepted, if we make the giving and receiving of gifts a private affair?

Sure, the child receiving has benefits as well.  The child receiving has learned to express gratitude to their friends.  They have learned the proper way to accept the gift.  They have learned the proper way to react, and learned that even if there was a gift that they did not particularly want, they still need to thank their friend for the thought. But the important effect is on the giving child. When a child sees their friend open that gift that they picked out, especially for them, they are learning several important things.  The child is learning that they have brought happiness to another person.  The child is learning about the social rules that surround gift giving and gift receiving.  And the child is learning that when we told them that giving really is better than receiving, we were not lying.  Children believe adults.  But they do not really internalize what adults tell them, until they have some personal experience that backs it up.  If a child does not open gifts in front of their friends, those friends are not learning that.

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