by T. Lynn Wright

Created on: May 07, 2010

In those great made-for-television movies, the grandparents lived with the family, or the adult child returned to the nest to care for an aging parent or grandparent.  In many cultures, there is still a wife at home to care for the aged as tradition expects. When our loved ones age, we find that reality and fiction seldom mesh without effort. There is nothing wrong with admitting that taking care of someone elderly and possibly ill is like having another full-time job. There are so many care givers in this country, familial and professional, who get little or no respite. The devoted husband who cares for the wife with early dementia 24 hours a day who rarely sleeps through the night because he is afraid she will wander outside. Perhaps he feels it is his duty to care for her, or he can't imagine putting her somewhere, or maybe, as in so many cases, there isn't enough money.

Sometimes, the choice is difficult. It may be necessary for a family to take over the care of their relative. It may not be feasible or easy because so many people are trying to earn a living and raise children. It may well be a labor of love. Very often, it is impossible. If an elderly relative should succumb to dementia, it can be exhausting. Family members may not understand why Grandpa is so violent.

The choices of professional care vary from in-home help to facilities with special care units. Families should become knowledgeable about Medicare and possibly Medicaid. Long term care insurance is a good idea for anyone as it will make more living and care choices available. Local agencies on aging can help with referrals and there are support groups which may offer other resources. Despite our best intentions and our promises, we may have to agree to professional care. Give yourself permission to get your relative what he or she really needs. You may not be able to get Mom in the shower anymore, and you aren't able to modify your bathroom. Dad might be too fragile or combative and you can't bathe him. You can still contribute to the care and be vigilant about visiting and making sure the care they receive is competent and compassionate. There is no either/or in who should take care of our aging loved ones. There are too many variables to only arrive at one easy solution.

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