by Robert Mckenna

Created on: May 04, 2010   Last Updated: May 05, 2010

“The least functional person in a relationship gets to call the shots!”  My hat is off to the person who first said that quote, but despite my best efforts researching the computer, I am unable to accredit the quote to any individual.  I suspect it is just words of incredible insight, handed down through the ages.

In a dysfunctional relationship such as a marriage where one person is an alcoholic, the turmoil created by the drunk controls the life of the partner.  Unless the significant other is in no way co-dependent, which is rare in an alcoholic home, both lives are destroyed by booze.  The insidious nature of addiction is that while obviously destroying the addict; it is subliminally destroying the rest of the family as well.

The evil of addiction works on a family similar to a magician’s ability of misdirection.  Everyone knows about the addict because his or her erratic behavior speaks volumes to the insanity of addiction.  Behind the scenes however, most people are unaware of the physical and mental abuse of the family disease, the dirty little secret not seen.  Families stay together and endure the abuse for fear or a myriad of ridiculous rationales, and the whole family spirals down into a life of misery along with the addict.  In fact, the family actually exacerbates the addicts disease by enabling the alcoholic to continue a path of self-destruction.

Ironically, the members of the family who should be in control and help the addict stop their destructive behavior, are themselves held hostage by the addicts disease just as firmly as if they themselves were doing the drinking.  The circle can be broken!  People do not have to throw their lives away for the sake of another who is uncaring and destructive by their drinking behavior.

Not to say the addict is malicious by intent but the alcoholic is destructive by the very nature of the disease.  If the alcoholic wants help, there is professional help available.  If the addict wants to die an addict, it is their choice alone.  It is irrational, it is a waste of humanity, but it serves no purpose to destroy your life trying to help someone who wants no help, and there are such unfortunates.  God has given us one life, and no person has the right to destroy the life of another.  It is not love, to help people drink themselves to death.  It is not love, to put up with mental and sometimes-physical abuse, rationalizing the abuser only behaves badly when intoxicated.  It is not love, to feel forced in a position of caring for the selfish actions of others.

Love is a two way street.  Love is opening your heart to someone you trust who knows how to repay that trust in kind.  Love is saying you are sorry, and love is leaving, when to stay only makes matters worse.  Addiction preys on love as a weakness, and kills the light of the soul.  Until the day you die, you have the choice to live free or die in the morass of addiction as collateral damage.

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