by Roy Blokker

Created on: May 01, 2010   Last Updated: May 05, 2010

"Just Say No"

Twice my wife and I invited a parent to move in with us as each was threatened by infirmity. Both times, they refused. Still, we prepared for the inevitable, that day when infirmity conquered them completely. We were certain on that day we would be needed, and we were fully committed to take on the responsibility.

In deciding to bring an elderly parent into your home, the main issue has to be need. But equal in the decision making is the simple act of choice. Yes, here are times when no other choice is possible: no money for a proper full care facility coupled with a parent who needs full time care. And there are potential benefits in the concept of a multigenerational home. But anyone has the right to say no.

No goes two ways. It is reasonable for a younger couple to know their limitations. It is also reasonable for the elder parent to know his or hers.

Diane’s mother preferred her nursing home. She believed that our children would drive her crazy, and I believe that she would have returned the favor, driving Diane and myself crazy in the bargain. We admittedly had a very busy household, with four teenagers going in eight or nine different directions, much too busy for her to contend with on a day to day, live in basis. Her sensory world was shrinking rapidly; her need for safety and her fear of sensory overload were paramount to her.

Besides, she liked her nursing home. She felt she ran the roost there and, as a retired nurse, she had a keen sense of what was going on around her. The staff loved her. It was a safe place where she could sit back and be taken care of without the noise or the conditions we might have presented.

Nurse Betty died there, at age 83. we were with her when she passed.

My mother needed to have a pace maker implanted at age 91. We discussed bringing her into our home, convinced she no longer would be able to live on her own. Her world was shrinking, although not to the degree of Betty’s sensory deprivation. Oma used to walk everywhere and ride the buses all over the Monterey Peninsula, but now needed help getting to her hair appointments and walked only to the local grocer and back or had someone go on her behalf. Our concern was that she was fast approaching the day when she would need full tome care and going to a nursing home would have been the death of her.

My brother and sister-in-law knew their limitations. When the subject of our mother’s care needs came up, they recognized that they were not equipped to deal with her on a 24-7-365 basis. I respect that, and their honesty. My wife and I, on the other hand, were confident we could handle it. Our home was, we thought, the most livable alternative.

Our home was somewhat less busy by then. Our last child had moved and we were preparing the back bedroom to be Oma’s suite. But she did not want to give up her independence. She, too, refused our offer. She lived to 94 and stayed in her own apartment until two days before she died.

These are merely two stories. Every situation has to be evaluated on its own merits, according to the family’s ability to help and the elder parent’s needs. Researching your available resources is vital – it is amazing what services are out there for the asking, but you have to know what to ask, and whom to ask it. From Medicare and Medical (or your own state’s programs) to county social services and local ombudsmen, there is a wealth of services and programs available to care providers.

Still, the right thing to do may not be the best thing to do, if it is given – or received – out of obligation. As long as choices exist they must be discussed and offered, and “No” is a legitimate choice.

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