by Carmel Brulez

Created on: April 29, 2010   Last Updated: April 30, 2010

Those who argue that affairs are a "forgiveable sin" are usually the people who have committed the sin and hate the idea that it cannot be swept under the carpet and forgotten about..... OR people who take one day at a time, do not look at WHY the person was unfaithful in the first place, nor how to prevent it from ever happening again.

As a relationship expert and life coach of many years I have spoken to a lot of people who are married who claim that their marriage was fantastic and very happy until their partner cheated  them.

It rarely occurs to them that if their partner had been happy they would not have cheated on the first place!  A good marriage is about communication, being open and honest with each other, compromising and sharing common goals; not where two people pull in totally opposite directions.

There are all different reasons for committing adultery but someone who truly believes that their spouse is wonderful and giving them everything they need in relation to love, romance and sex does not cheat.  Nobody goes out for a hamburger when they have a juicy steak at home.  These things do not just happen for no reason, they are not accidents. 

Even if you are drunk and thrown together with someone who fancies you or a stranger you have a choice and can say no and someone who is happily married would not have sex with that person.

One problem is that women tend to forgive affairs and pretend to themselves it was a one off (or it only happened 87 times). Then they think that if the nag and moan and insist that it never happens again their partner will do as they say. 

Instead the partner has not changed, he is still not totally satisfied with his wife, only now he is even less satisfied with her because she is moaning and nagging more and he also knows he can get away with it because she always just moans and nags instead of leaving him. 

Forgiving is pointles if you do not analyse why it happened and how to prevent it happening again.  You cannot just tell your naughty spouse off and get him to sit on the naughty step as if he is a little child who would not eat his breakfast!

Another problem is that some people like the idea that their spouse is a belonging, not a person with their own needs and feelings. They may resort to locking them in the house, checking their phone, never allowing them out alone,as if the fact of preventing them from taking up an opportunity elsewhere is the solution. 

All that achieves is that the adulterous one becomes more and more bored and frustrated and resentful at being imprisoned and even more desperate to cheat when they get a chance to.  They may be sitting there dutifully watching television with you but their thoughts and hopes are elsewhere and they wish they were too.

In an open marriage where both are secure and safe in the knowledge that they have an agreement to do as they please and get back together again, treating sex as a game, it might work, but when love, romance, sadness and bitterness creep in because it was more than fun or it was not agreed then the damage it does it ever lasting. 

Religious people, those who are scared to be alone, those who have nowhere to go, no job and no money, might stay, but they will not be happy.  It is best to make surethat you are never at the mercy of your partner, totallay dependent on them for somewhere to live, money or anything else.  That way you can always walk away if you decide it is in your best interests.

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