by Jonathon Hebert

Created on: April 09, 2010

Welcome to East Pyloria!

    Mbyrks are probably the most dangerous things you'll see on this side of the planet.  Mbyrks and decaffenated coffee; although, mbyrks are inarguably worse.  We had a team deployed in the wilds to take care of the problem, and they'd been hand selected based on their ruthlessness, cunning, and cruelty towards small animals.  We figured that at best, they'd eliminate a handful of the creatures before running in terror, and at worst, they'd be slaughtered.  Either way, those of us in charge wouldn't have lost any sleep at night.  Well, the mbyrks liked the mean streak they saw in our team and felt a kindred spirit with them.  Now our team of brilliant, ruthless criminals is working for the New Mbyrk Army.

    Things never go the way you expect with Mbyrks.
    The other side of the planet, the western hemisphere, is far better off.  There are no Mbyrks, less wilderness, and the decaffenated coffee there tastes much like regular.  Westerners are generally richer, smarter, and nicer than we.  Unfortunately, my plan to send the mbyrks to the West was not well received in committee.  Perhaps you would have been better off on Earth, though the chance of that is as slim as that of a Keynorn mountain slug sprouting from my nose.  We left Earth for good reason after all.
    As you may know, the beef industry had convinced the U.S. government to shift red meat to the bottom of the food pyramid, and Americans began to go crazy for beef. This was quite literally in some cases, as mad cow disease became omnipresent as a result of new designs in cattle raising.  Cows were being bred to be legless and stackable, in order to increase production while maintaining space constraints.  At first the manure was under control, being used as compost.  There were so many cows, however, that soon fields became manure pools four feet deep by an acre or more.  So much dung saturated the ground that it actually became an exaggeration to say that politicians were full of crap, even Republicans.  Methane levels soared, and no amount of unfortunate gifts of planted trees in someone's name could produce enough oxygen to offset this.  So we moved.  But again, you've heard all this.  It was probably in the brochure from your travel agent.
    This planet is nice in some ways.  If you had been fortunate

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