by Ooreofeoluwa Kalejaiye

Created on: April 07, 2010

Why am I standing on this side watching them live life? They are going their own way, doing their own thing, having fun and sucking all the joy out of life they can and yet I stand here watching them, stewing in obscurity. What surprises me the most is that I’m not alone on this side; I can see the many eyes watching them too. Are they thinking the same things I’m thinking when I see them? Do they see the same light I see in their eyes? Do they see the same bounce I see in their step? Do they see the same strength I see in their stance? As we watch them all, I know that they can tell. They feed off the attention we shower on them and we know, but I can’t seem to look away; the longing in my heart won’t let me.

The desire to walk in their shoes, sit in their chairs, wear their perfume, look through their eyes, it overwhelms me sometimes. It’s like a violent wave washes over me and I just want to go out and possess one of them. It doesn’t help matters that every time they see me, they don’t see me and every time they talk to me, they don’t talk to me. I walk right in front of them but what they are saying to each other is just more important. I was fortunate to be so close to them at some point but I might as well have been a million miles away. They never say a mean word but with every hand of disdain and contempt they wave at me, I sink deeper into my own skin.

Things can’t actually be different, I’m not even sure I want them to be. I have absolutely nothing to offer them so I would only take from them and that’s not right. I would just be a burden and a strain on them and I would never want to do anything to harm them. My desire to be them overpowers my need for them to accept me. All I want is for a day in one of their lives; a day when people will look upon me with adoration and respect in their eyes, a day when I will be recognized as a person not just a number in the family line. But this will never be, I must accept my fate, it makes things easier for us all. To cut through these layers would take confidence that I lack, wisdom I don’t have, and an appeal I can’t steal, basically a me that does not exist.

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