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give and take between two people who have respect, trust, honesty, and true acceptance for the other person? Who's marriage has strength and support through the hard times? Maybe this is all marriage is supposed to be. Maybe this is the definition of "for better, for worse". Maybe this is commitment.

For the better part of ten years I have tried to be that woman my husband wants me to be. I have tried to deny myself my dreams, my passions, my hobbies, my musings, whatever it is in that moment that threatens to split my marriage wide open.

For the better part of ten years I have lived with a man who doesn't like me very much. I mean the real me, all of me, the parts of me that make me who I am. He loves his "wife" and the mother of his kids, but me? No he doesn't even know me.

For the better part of ten years I look away from the reflection that stares back at me from the mirror every morning.

Today I find myself struggling with a decision. Settle for this misery, or be free? Am I being selfish, as my husband constantly reminds me, to go after my goals of finishing school, of writing that book, of having a life outside of my husband and children? Am I trading the happiness of my children for my own? Is it better to be alone than to live your life wishing you were alone?

Today I find myself reflecting on my first marriage and divorce. The guilt I felt then for destroying my oldest daughter's family, is a guilt I still feel today, although she is a happy, well-adjusted young adult. I find myself remembering the financial struggle of being a single-parent, knowing that this time around, with two children, a BA degree still in progress, and a job working with children, the struggle will be much harder.

Today I find myself wondering if I can find a way to smile in that mirror even though my husband stands behind me, frowning at my reflection. Or must I stand alone in front of that mirror?

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