by Marcy Volbert

Created on: April 06, 2010

Being a step parent can be both rewarding and challenging. One of the biggest challenges a step parent can face is making your stepchild feel loved and secure in their new family. This is challenging because you don’t want to seem as your love is fake and you definitely do not want to try and buy your stepchild’s love. There are many other ways to make them feel loved and secure.

One way to make your stepchild feel loved and secured is to show you care about what is going on in his or her life. Pay close attention to how they are doing in school. Become involved with the school, join PTA, or go to parent teacher conferences. The more involved you become shows that you care about what is going on with the child at school and shows you want to help them reach their goals. You might notice your stepchild coming to you more and asking for help with homework or to see if you can bake cookies for a bake sale at school. The more you show you care the more they will come to you for help and guidance. 

Talk to them about their future. Find out what their dreams are and help them research what it would take to reach their goals. Take time to discuss with them what grades they will need, what classes they need to take and make sure to express that you have faith they can achieve those goals. If their dreams are out of reach, don’t kill the dream but help point them in a direction of choosing something similar, but within their reach.

Show that you care about the other members of his or her family, mainly the other biological parent. For example, when my step son tells me his mother is not feeling well or one of his brothers are sick, I make it a point, the next time I see him to ask how they are feeling. Your stepchild might look at you strange the first few times but this opens the line of communication as to what is going on in his or her life.

You have to be willing to listen and show that you care about things going on in their life, even if they don’t always interest you. If your stepchild is interested in certain types of video games, which you don’t usually play, but they want to tell you about the game or about accomplishments they completed in the game. Be sure to listen to them, ask questions become interested. Again, this helps to open the line of communication between the two of you and will help keep that line of communications open for more important things.

Do not pressure your stepchild to call you mom or dad. Do not pressure them to tell you they love you or for them to show affection. If you pressure a child to “love” you, they may end up feeling uneasy around you, and not bonding with you. If this bond is going to happen, it will, but you have to let it happen in its own time. Be their friend and also be their step parent.

Being a friend to your stepchild does not mean that you under mind the rules and discipline that their biological parents have set. It can simply mean that you are the one that they can come to when they want to say, “I don’t think dad is being fair.” Sit down with them listen to their reasoning and find out why they feel that way. Explain to the child why you feel the parent is being fair. 

Depending on the age of your stepchild, and how they feel about their parents break up or even how they feel about you, making them feel loved and secure may be difficult and in some cases it could even be impossible. All you can do is try to be there for them as a parent figure and as a friend. 

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