by Kathryn LaVon Davis

Created on: April 03, 2010

Dear Michael,

A man fell in love with me recently. He really affected me and I thought I could fall, but I found that he loved me like you had, and he opened me up where I'd closed. But I didn't love him and I let him go and I hurt him. When I closed my eyes, he reminded me of you. He brought you back into my world and old feelings I hadn't thought I had resurfaced. When I opened my eyes though, he wasn't you. He was in love with me, but aside from pulling up what once existed, I found myself constantly pushing him away. I did not love him. I evaluated it; was I pushing away the thing that I most wanted, in fear? Had I been given this disease?

I have allowed him to do something you didn't allow me to do. I've allowed him to ask his questions and to try to find his closure through me. I think I can take this stance BECAUSE I don't love him. I don't fear myself becoming weak, and taking him in. I am in full understanding of his purpose in my life. I understand how he got so hooked into me; I gave him the intensity that you created in me, but he couldn't create it or sustain it. He could only become addicted to it.

I remember how crazy our ending made me and I remember that,in my mind, it enforced your decision to be able to view me as erratic. You who had experienced the intensity beside me. You who with me, needed to make love to me to continue breathing. And me you.

I've always known what happened with you and I and it had nothing to do with the feelings not being there.

You just shut down. There was no right way to respond and every single thing was unwelcomed. Every soft thing about me had to build an armor and now. thankfully, it is coming down. I'd built it so slowly that I didn't realize it. And there is the reason for this love in my life that I cannot return.

You've forgotten; buried it, but we connected in a way that most do not ever. And you, I expect you'll say to yourself "Nine years, get over it." If you could remember for a moment, you'd understand that I have finally figured out that it was such a thing one should never get over.

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