by Heidi Peaster

Created on: April 01, 2010

When our kids become parents, we don’t stop being their parents.  This may seem obvious, but somewhere in our fantasies, we had always hoped that when our kids were a certain age, or married, or were parents themselves, our parent mantle would fall away.  It doesn’t.  But, we do have to adjust it a little.

Having raised three daughters (and counting) to adulthood and on the verge of becoming a grandmother for the sixth time, here are some tips we have employed when tempted to jump in with both feet and make a sit-com of ourselves.

* Remember that our kids are now grownups.  If your child has had your grandchild at age fifteen, you have another set of issues, but if your kids are over twenty or so and independent, then they are adults. 

* Remember how you would have felt, or did feel, when your kids were small and your own parents and in-laws  “advised” you on raising them.

* Remember what you wished your parents would have said to you when your kids were small.  A big helping of praise about what a great kid they are raising goes a long way. 

* Look at your grandchildren objectively.  That’s a tall order, I know, but try to do a mental check list, as if you are a Family and Children’s Services case worker.  Are they healthy?  Are they well-fed?  Are they clean (for the most part)?  Are they happy and secure?   Do they know their parents love them?

Chances are, the answer to these questions is yes.  Chances are, unless you have such sickening fears that your are about to call DFCS, the parenting choices you are questioning are that the kids eat chicken nuggets three times a week or don’t have a set bedtime.

Or perhaps you think that really your kids are too hard on the little fellows and believe that they are raising a bunch of robots.  Relax.  By the third or fourth child, they will have relaxed, too.

* Look at yourself objectively.   Ouch.  Are you having such critical thoughts because of the way you feel about the parent personally?  Would you feel the same if the parent was, say, your best friend?  It could be that even if your grandchild’s parent suddenly became Dr. Phil, you still would have reservations.

* Remember that parenting styles change and that your kids’ probably will too as they go along.  And also remember that any suggestions you may offer will be construed as criticism and will probably solidify their resolve to continue with their original course of action.

* Remember that kids are resilient.  As much as we don’t want anything or anybody to interrupt the peace of their childhood by even so much as too many rules, they are much stronger than we think they are.

* Remember that the main objective is to stay as an influence in your grandkids’ lives.  To do this, you have to have a good relationship with their parents.  To have that relationship, you have to recognize and respect their authority over the grandkids and their choices.

* Pray.  If you don’t usually, now might be a good time to start. 

Your grandkids will think that your house is the best place in the world if it is filled with unconditional love for them and for their parents, and filled with peace.  To obtain that type of sanctuary, we as grandparents must model the same respectful acceptance we want to receive.

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