by keisi j

Created on: April 01, 2010   Last Updated: September 15, 2010

When life is a blur of constant pain, one finds oneself focusing on escape from that pain. A person will become very creative in his search for a way to cease the pain. People have attempted to snuff out constant pain by distraction through entertainment, drugs, sex, or anything else that peaks an interest. Some use physical pain to drown out the emotional pain they cannot bear. When nothing works and nothing helps, and a person feels that he has run out of options, the only thing left that offers escape from pain is death. 

I don't know what happens after a person dies. Some believe in heaven and hell, some believe that after death a person ceases to exist, and still others are counting on being reincarnated. When emotional pain becomes unbearable, death becomes desirable. Committing suicide is a big commitment. Some carefully plan their method, timing, etc. Others do it in an emotional reaction to something else, spur of the moment.

In my case, I ran up to my room after a fight with my mother because she would not allow me to go out with friends that night, as usual. There was a bottle of Tylenol PM in my room and out of anger, sadness and revenge, but without thinking, I picked that bottle up, removed the child-proof cap, put it to my mouth and threw my head back. When I had filled my mouth with those pills, I swallowed. Immediately, I felt calm and consciously realized what I had just done. I laid down on my bed and closed my eyes. The last thought in my head before I fell asleep was, "I might not wake up tomorrow." I was not alarmed by that thought and I drifted off to sleep. I had not planned to kill myself but I swallowed a mouthful of pills in response to feeling angry and hurt. I realized what the consequence of that could be, and I accepted it. Needless to say, I did not die. I woke up after the sun rose and hunched over, shuffled into the bathroom down the hall. My body violently expelled all contents from my stomach for the next 15 minutes with only momentary breaks between throes of convulsion. Later that day, my mother pursed her lips and accused me of sneaking out the night before and getting so drunk that I had to vomit in the morning and assured me that I deserved to throw up. I figured the last part was true, so there was no need to refute her accusation.

There were many times that I fantasized about suicide when I was younger. I had a painful home life and after a terrible falling out with a couple of my friends followed by a plunge

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