by Lenna Gonya

Created on: March 28, 2010

“Your new hairstyle is awful, and, that skirt makes you look fat.”

A friend was seeing an analyst who told her that she should be totally honest with everyone she met. Unfortunately, he did not explain the difference between honesty and brutal frankness.

She thought that she had been liberated, and was finally fulfilling an awakening experience of total openness in her life. Her friends thought she was rude and obnoxious. They were uncomfortable around her, and, finally didn’t want her around at all. How astounding!

Given the opportunity, brutal frankness can turn into harmful criticism that only serves to hurt feelings and destroy relationships. A misplaced brutal criticism could actually destroy someone’s initiative or self confidence. It could have a life changing effect.

Brutal frankness is always a matter of opinion. You can frankly believe something, that may not necessarily be a fact to others. The very word brutal indicates that it may not be something that will please the recipient. The key is, when to verbalize your honest opinion, and, when to keep silent. It is not your duty to inform everyone you meet what their faults are.

Too often, brutal frankness is something that is entirely unnecessary. It isn’t important that you cut someone down, “for their own good.”  Yet, that is the excuse most used by these critic commandos.

The rules change, however, if someone asks for your opinion. Even then, your answer has to be tempered with some consideration and tact.

You may be invited out to dinner, and, of course, they serve the one vegetable that you hate. It was prepared in a special recipe that the hostess is proud of, and can’t wait to have you try, but the sight of it makes you sick. Here’s where honesty comes in, not brutal frankness.

Brutal frankness is, “Oh my gosh, the sight of that awful stuff turns my stomach.”

Honesty is, “I’m so sorry. I’m sure that it’s wonderful, but I just don’t care for those.”

Even honesty is relative. Your own opinion, is honest in your own mind, only. So, whether you are the giver or the recipient, it is important to remember that it is one person’s take on the particular subject.

The bottom line is, that anything brutal is not good, whether it is an act, a thought, or an opinion, and, it is possible to be honest without being unkind.

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