by Garry Spotts

Created on: March 27, 2010   Last Updated: March 30, 2010

Relationship is fragile by nature because it is a tenuous agreement between two people.  It is an artificial arrangement constructed between people who have personal interests and desires which may not match the long term trajectory of the relationship.  Personal interests are the source of most conflict in relationships.

While many people consider conflict unacceptable in a relationship, the wisest of us know that it is unavoidable; in fact it is completely natural and necessary.  Because it is natural it should be anticipated, and if anticipated we should plan our response to the stress of conflict before it arises. 

There's an ancient proverb which says, “Disregarding another person’s faults preserves love, telling about them separates close friends.”  The beauty of this proverb is that it acknowledges several things about relationships that we ought to accept if we are to be successful in them:

- Everyone brings their own set of faults into the relationship.

- Acknowledging each other’s faults is an important part of a healthy relationship.

- Preserving love in the relationship is the most important activity in the relationship.

- Forgiveness heals relationships

The proverb's insights help us move beyond many of the issues that destroy and disrupt the healthy growth of relationships.

This proverb gives us the basis for creating a structure for addressing conflict in our relationships.  We are individually responsible for our own faults, but we have mutually agreed to enter a relationship in which our faults may cause conflict. Therefore, we must listen to our partner's issues or concerns. 

The five steps in structuring arguments to benefit our relationship are:

Listen:

Our partner is saying something to us by how he or she is relating.  What are they saying with words and what are they saying between the lines.  It is critical to listen to more that what they say because their actions will always betray their true feelings.  Remember:  “What you do speaks so loudly, what you say, I cannot hear.”

Evaluate & Express:

You may not be an expert in human verbal and non-verbal communication, but you can listen.  As you listen, evaluate what you are hearing or more appropriately, what you feel in response to what they are saying. What is the tone of their voice, the loudness and the sharpness of the words they choose to say?

Once you have evaluated how you understood

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