by Marie Mariem

Created on: March 26, 2010

Foster parenting is not for everyone. It can be very different from parenting your own children. Children in the foster care system do not often come from loving, stable homes and this affects their outlook on life and the way they learn to live in the world. While many people imagine that loving and wanting to care for children is enough to ensure foster parenting success, they quickly find that fostering is not what they thought it would be.  It takes a very different mindset than parenting children who have been raised in stable homes with adults they have learned to trust. 

Being a foster parent often means you may have to lower your expectations dramatically. Even the small things you expect of your own children like being polite, tidying up after themselves and using proper hygiene may be foreign ideas to a foster child.

So, if fostering is so much different than raising your own children, how do you know whether being a foster parent is for you?

Can you manage a wide range of behaviors and developmental delays?

Even at a young age most foster children are more angry about being in care than grateful. Their behaviors can range from rage to depression to complete detachment when taken from their homes.  They can be hyperactive, destructive, sullen, or rage filled and aggressive.  Some will even pretend everything is just fine. These behaviors can be shocking to first time foster parents who are not aware of the effect trauma has on a child’s behavior. They can also be surprised when a small child seems to love them right away, but then acts just as loving to strangers. That is the nature of attachment problems and most foster children have them to one degree or another.

Many foster children have learned horrifying behaviors in their biological homes. Some can be violent towards other children and pets. Sexually abused children frequently urinate on floors, and in their beds. They may act sexualized towards you, your souse or your children. This is not always the case, but it is common enough that these behaviors are noted in the initial training.

Developmental delays are the rule in the foster care system. Even foster children who seem to be developmentally on par physically may be years behind other children their age emotionally, while years ahead sexually. Or this could be completely reversed. Some can manipulate like adults, but can’t brush their own hair. You may receive a five year old who still wears diapers.

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